An exchange or relationship pattern where one person or both uses tactics to minimize the experience of someone else, not take responsibility for their actions, instead, shift blame, downplay, avoid and make the other person feel crazy and unheard. It usually ends in a wildly violent explosive interaction from one or both people intentionally or subconsciously taking all of the power by using the tactic of avoidance, blame shifting and denial. It can happens with parents, kids, romantic partnerships, friendships and can be the base for emotionally / mentally abusive interactions.

Gas being lit on fire all over the world. Every time online I see a new chemical explosion on twitter. Mainstream no? Why not? Why isn’t invisible toxic chemicals exploding making the news?

This energy pattern hides in the shadows. Seemingly small, almost too small to get much notice. Unseen by the eyes.  Even when it explodes it gets quick fiery blame and then is shoved back under the carpet. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t seeping into the soil, into the water, into the air, into our homes affecting our health and well being. 

It’s quite literally happening. Gaslighting.

It’s the invisible violence to the internal self from one partner to another, a boss to an employee, a predator to a child. Chipping away at natural self protection, self value, self validation and love.

Lighting up noxious gas. Gaslighting. Ultimately exploding. This pattern is in almost every relationship I’ve witnessed and even within ourselves.  So, are we surprised to see it in the collective reality? Quite literally. 

“Just stop, you are making too big a deal of this. It’s always something with you, isn’t it? Why can’t you just be happy. Why are you such a drama queen? It was just a joke, don’t have a sense of humor do you? I don’t want to argue right now. God, again? Why are you dwelling on this? Can you just let it be? Why do you always have to stir up fights? It was just an hour. 

When really, One person is desperately saying “Hey, can you hear me, there is an action that is impacting our family, our relationship, our job, me.  I’m not feeling safe. This breaks trust. I want to express my perspective. This happened.”

Unheard, invisible, confused, depleted and exhausted from the internal battle.

Denial, flat out lies, Blame and shifting the topic, straight up avoidance or small personal attacks. Walking away with all of the power. Leaving the other to wait, hope, try to make sense of reality. But patience and silence doesn’t make the poisonous words disappear. 

Sweeping more toxins under the carpet seeps into our self worth and the ability to see clearly. Hiding it doesn’t make it go away.  It’s tiny words that get swept into the air. But still have effects on our cells, on or psyche, on our heart, on our perceived value. 

But is the ignitable toxic behavior or invisible pokes and denials, create a murky dust of confusion in the one who can see that actions have effects that aren’t positive.  And over months, years. That toxic gas, that avoidant and blaming behavior when one or both parties don’t want to or aren’t ready to acknowledge can very probably, create violent outbursts, breakdowns of trust, and chaos.

It’s easy to blame the crazy one, the one who can’t get ahold of their emotions or explodes over seemingly tiny things. The one who was ignored and minimized tends to leave a physical wake of destruction as the finally externalize all of the internal turmoil.  The physical evidence shows that someone broke the mug, slammed the door or escalated into other kinds of retaliation. 

Our world so focused on the physical, the material, the tangible with the materialist way of looking at things that  the subtle, the unseen, the emotional violence gets minimized and unrecognized.  Both are violent. Both are destructive. Both create pain. Both create brokenness.

Shining a light on that which hides in the dark of our most intimate interactions is the only way. Tools that can perceive that which the eyes can’t have to be shared.  For awareness, for communication tactics, emotional awareness/regulation/responsibility, for support and for firm boundaries saying enough.  For healing.

Shifting the pattern is challenging because there are so many layers to work through. Self denials, cognitive dissonance, lack of awareness, previous abuse and imprints of unhealthy relationship in our subconscious all have to be sorted through with gentleness. 

Today it starts with awareness. The breath, self soothing, self validation, support, updated communication styles and  creating a safe space for both parties are ultimately needed to break the pattern, build a new foundation and practice a healthier way of being.  But for today.  Awareness.